We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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