When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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