maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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