he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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