were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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