I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
