as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
