my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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