That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
