My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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