if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
