God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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