i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
