you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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