It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
