when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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