I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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