If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
