you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
