dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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