dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
