Where is the hickey?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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