Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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