I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
