mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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