oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
