I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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