I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
