I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
