I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
