where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
