I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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