he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
