It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
