Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he laminated a picture of his dick.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Drunk is a universal language darling
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