I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
