Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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