so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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