Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
