would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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