Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
