I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
