Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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