the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
