My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Randomize
