Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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