she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
