Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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