I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
