Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
