This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
