I'm really into asian looking animals
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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