His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
