This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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